DEAD WOOD

(RE)SHARE (WITH MUM'S RETORT IN ITALICS)

I am somewhat of a hypochondriac. At the moment I am convinced that my kidneys are failing because my lower back hurts and my joints often ache. I think I need to drink more water.

Ah that sounds like a Joan gene. I can send you the medical books she used for self diagnosis. I use the internet – it’s amazing how many life threatening illnesses I’ve had. I must have the same gene.

I am scared of blood tests.

Close you eyes and imagine you’re hurtling towards the ski jump next time you have one.

When I was a boy I got my penis stuck in a drawer. My penis is not that big it was just exceptionally bad luck.

I remember that.

I was diagnosed with ADHD when I was 19. I've never been entirely convinced, however speed does tend to chill me out.

I’m not convinced either.

I bake a lot of cakes, on average about two or three a month. At the moment my best recipe is a boil and bake fruit cake that I got from Stephanie Alexander. I like to add grated apple and tinned pears.

Remember the upside down pineapple cake you made when it was your turn to cook dinner?

When I told my dad i was a fag, this is what he said: "You could be rootin' elephants for all I care mate, just get a fucken job." He's always had a sickeningly strong work ethic.

Well I guess someone might pay you if you fucked an elephant – then technically speaking you would have a ‘fucken job’. Terry’s work ethic probably doesn’t extend that far. I don’t think your penis would either.

I rarely have sex when I'm sober.

Oysters are supposed to be an aphrodisiac too.

I've started stealing from Woolworths and Coles exclusively. I resent not having the choice to shop elsewhere.

Joel – please don’t do this anymore. A token gesture is a poor substitute for a career.

My grandfather was murdered. His body was found in a tip, bludgeoned to death by a tomahawk. I never knew him.

I never knew him either.

I have never had sex with a woman. I really hope to one day.

It’s good to have something to look forward to.

I miss Melbourne's markets.

You appreciate things once you don’t have them.

Sometimes I tip cooking oil down the sink because I'm too lazy to reuse it.

Joel, please don’t do this anymore.

I have a phobia of closing curtains in the dark. I hate the thought of a strange face appearing in the window as I do this. If this was to happen I think I would die.

Wow – I used to have that phobia. Then one night when I was freaked out I ran around the house opening all the curtains really quickly while I stood in front of the window with the scariest face I could make. There was no-one there to be frightened of me – or laugh at me.

My birth mark is on my dick.

I remember that.

I blame my father for a lot of my problems. I also love him very much.

Let it go, you can’t change it. It will make you bitter if you let it.

Despite my currently poor fitness I can still stand on my hands for longer than anyone I know. These days however it tends to give me chronic back pain.

You are so talented my son.

I have brown hair and a red beard. This is not that uncommon.

There is no-one else in the world like you.

My emotional make-up is more feminine than masculine, despite my manly exterior.

Gorgeous really.

I've never been in love.

It’s good to have something to look forward to.

I believe in love.

So do I.

I will never have kids of my own.

Time will tell.

I love being a gay man, it is one of my favourite things about myself; as well as having brown hair and a red beard.

I just love you.

I have had two pedicures in my life; I enjoyed both of them immensely.

Ooouuuh – yukky.

I was a difficult child. Once I smashed nearly every glass in my mother's cupboard while staring her down. When I remember this i feel sick.

I've got new ones now.

I love my mother. She is all that is good in me. Her name is Karen.

I love my son. He is talented. I’m very proud of him. His name is Joel.

MAKING MUD